


pyramids of salt.

by otonashidesu



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-05-16
Packaged: 2019-05-08 00:25:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14682621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/otonashidesu/pseuds/otonashidesu
Summary: Connor leaves Evan’s house early Saturday with a toothache and a stomach pitted with guilt.





	pyramids of salt.

Connor leaves Evan’s house early Saturday with a toothache and a stomach pitted with guilt. 

Sometimes Connor wishes he could be in a collision just so he wouldn’t face the guilt. If he hadn’t met Evan, it might’ve been easier. He knows it would have been. He wouldn’t have a crumpled up letter shoved into his glove box, there wouldn’t have been a need for one. No one would’ve needed a consolation or an answer. He would’ve withered and faded. His memory would be weaved out of the family. He was only ever the son they wished they never had, an older brother that was never there for a younger sister. The troubled kid that couldn’t be saved.

His bruised knuckles turn white as his foot presses the gas pedal further down to the floor of the car. He could let go of the wheel right now. They’d probably rule it an accident instead. It doesn’t feel right to leave Evan with nothing, so he doesn’t. Not yet. The orchard is in sight now.

Connor pulls the letter out of the compartment and tears it into long strips. Hot, angered tears spill down his cheeks and he screams so loud that the birds in the surrounding trees take off. He slumps, letting his head fall to the wheel. The horn blares, but he was so far from anything else that no one would’ve heard anyway. He wouldn’t have cared even if they did.

When he returns home and charges his phone, he notices he has more missed calls and texts from Evan than his family had ever sent him. He doesn’t know if he can answer him. He reads them, though.

_ev: are you alright?_

_ev: you looked weird when you left my house_

_ev: not weird like ugly_

_ev: i’m sorry_

_ev: i hope you know what i mean_

_ev: it’s worrying me that you’re not answering_

_ev: you never take this long? ev: not that i time your responses_

_ev: hello?_

_ev: connor?_

Tears threatened to spill over again, and he throws his phone into the wall. It knocks a framed picture down. “What did we say about throwing things, Connor!” His mother calls. They’re so used to his outbursts it’s not even surprising when he does things anymore. That took half the fun of it away for Connor. He liked watching them react. That was the only time they’d ever notice him.

He scribbles into his notebook again.

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_I’m sorry for ending this all with just some note that I wrote --_

He already crumbles it up and tosses it into the trash can.

_Dear Evan,_

_This is shitty, I know. And a real low blow on my part. I couldn’t even give you some sort of in person goodbye. You can come kick my ass in the afterlife --_

He figures now isn’t the time to crack a joke. He throws it away again.

_Evan,_

_There is no proper way to tell someone goodbye when you plan to take your own life. I didn’t think I’d even be writing a letter. I never thought I would have to. But you had to show up with your bright eyes and stupid cast and I thought ‘hey, I think I could get used to having you around’. But that’s the problem. I got used to you, and now I’ll be leaving you. You’re the only thing left in this world that I’ve ever appreciated. I hope that someday we can meet again. I don’t know what you believe in. Maybe we could be reincarnated into more stable people. Maybe we could meet in Heaven. Maybe there’s nothing after death. I’ve never thought about it, only welcomed it. I think you’re rubbing off on me. I actually feel bad. This might mean nothing to you, and honestly, I hope it does, because if it means something to you, then you’ll get hurt. I shouldn’t have talked to you. Shouldn’t have been nice to you. Shouldn’t have done a single thing that lead us to where we are now. That’s what hurts the most. I wish I could’ve gotten help when I wasn’t too far gone. You made me feel the safest I’d been in a while though, so thanks for that. There’s not much else I can say, except for thank you for all the time we’ve been able to spend together, and I’m sorry. One more thing, actually,_

_I love you._

A fat teardrop lands next to the last line. He figures it’s the best he can do, and stuffs it into an envelope. Maybe he’ll go see Evan tomorrow, give him a last goodbye without really telling him that it was. He texts Evan back after wiping glass shards away from the screen.

_connor: took a nap_

He lies. There’s a twist in his gut.

_connor: i’m coming over tomorrow_

_ev: right! i’ll see you then_

_ev: if you’re tired, go back to sleep_

_connor: right_

_connor: see you tomorrow_

_ev: goodnight connor_

He tries to sleep, but he’s left staring at the ceiling and playing with the envelope. He remembers when he met Evan, vivid as though it happened just yesterday. The orchard. Connor had thought he was the only one that had knew about the area, but he found himself wrong when he saw a boy sitting against the trunk of an old tree. In one hand there was a book, but the other arm was at his side, sleeved in a white cast. “Hey,” he calls, and the boy nearly jumps out of his skin at the sound. “What are you doing here?” “I just, I um, I found it?” The boy answers, stumbling over his words. “You don’t just ‘find’ these kinds of places.” Connor taunts. “I used to come here, when I was younger? Yeah, my mother would always bring me here. I loved trees.” The boy admits sheepishly. Connor wants to scream at him to get out, but he already looked scared enough, so he plops himself on the ground beside him. “Connor,” he says. “Oh?” The boy looks to the ground, but then his face lights up again. “Oh! You were telling me your name. Okay. I’m Evan.” Connor almost laughs at him. When Connor goes to leave, Evan asks for his number. His eyes shine bright. “I know, we just met, but uh, not many people talk to me, or tolerate me, or…” he trails off. “But I think it’d be nice to get to know you more!” Connor sees himself in Evan, and he can’t help but give him the number.

It’s early when Connor shows up to Evan’s house. He lets himself in with the spare key Heidi made for him a while ago. He finds Evan in the kitchen. “Hey,” Connor sits at the table. “Hi!” Evan sets a plate down in front of him. His stomach churns with guilt and anxiety. He wants to puke now. “You didn’t tell me you would be coming so early?” “Figured I’d make it a surprise.” “Consider me surprised, then! I didn’t even think you’d be up by now.” Evan laughs. This was a mistake. Connor can’t stand it much longer. He can’t just leave. Evan would know something was up by then. He stomachs it, swallows the vile taste in his mouth. “Didn’t really sleep.” “That’s not good for you, you know.” “You’re not my mom, Hansen.” He manages to joke. Evan grins and sits down across the table from him.

He watches Evan eat instead of eating for himself. Buttered toast disappears between lips, incisors gnaw into bacon, he gets a milk mustache at some point. Connor can’t help but smile. He was going to miss this. He nibbles lightly so it looks like he ate, and he didn’t want to waste all of the food, either.

They sit in Evan’s room for hours, sitting close together under a shared blanket and playing absurd foreign movies on Netflix. Evan’s laugh is contagious, the kind where he throws his head back and snorts until he’s resorted to making no noise whatsoever and left clapping to fill the silence instead. Connor finds himself laughing along. Evan really was his little bit of light. Heidi returns from a shift late. While Evan goes to greet her, he leaves Connor by himself in the room. He quickly thinks for a place to leave the note. He grabs Evan’s favorite book about trees, and slips it in between the front cover and first page. This ensured he’d find it eventually, but it would give Connor enough time to complete his task. It felt so much realer now that the letter wasn’t buried in the pocket of his hoodie. He’s furtive of the tears in his eyes when Evan returns.

Connor decides to leave as the sun sets. “Can’t you stay?” Evan tugs on Connor’s jacket sleeve. “My mom can just drive us in the morning to school.” “I don’t feel too good.” Connor shrugs. “Oh. Okay. Maybe you should stay home tomorrow then? I can come by after school and see how you’re feeling.” Evan suggests. “Perfect.” Connor grits. He turns to face the door. “Hey,” Evan starts, “Be safe.” Connor leaves without saying another word.

By the time he reaches the orchard, the moon is hanging heavy over the sky, and his phone is blowing up with messages and phone calls all from Evan. He didn’t expect him to find it that quickly. Maybe he should’ve chose a better hiding spot. It didn’t matter now. He steps out of the car. His hands shake. It makes the pills in the bottle rattle. He swallows and sits against a tree, slumping his head back against it. He twists the cap but can’t seem to pour the pills into his hand. Something just didn’t feel right. He tries to abandon the feeling. He has one, two, three, four, then the whole bottle in his palm. It was surely enough. More than enough. He takes a deep breath.

“Hey,”

The pills fall out of his hand and scatter to the earth.

“I knew you would be here.” He hears Evan say. There’s nothing in his voice. It’s empty, like he doesn’t know how to feel, what to say. “Am I that predictable?” Connor says from behind the tree. “I guess so.” Evan replies. He joins him on the ground. “I hate you,” but he’s not angry. He doesn’t sound like anything at all. “I know.” “This was stupid.” “I know.” “But I love you, too,” He leans back and rests his head on Connor’s shoulder. “I thought I might’ve been too late.” “I’m glad you weren’t.” “Yeah. Me too.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! :) let me know what you thought of this! it's my first work for deh


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